You Like Gummi Worms, Don't You, Malfoy? A OneShot
by MissChocklitMilk
Summary: When Hermione receives a package from her parents containing the addictive Muggle Gummi Worms, things lead to another and ends with 37 people pouring in the Heads' Common Room expecting to witness the most intense shag session of all Hogwarts. PG13.


**A/N: And ta-dah! The second oneshot in the series! If you liked this, check out the other oneshot I have, it's called "Strawberries". Strawberries is much less PG than this, by the way! Hahaha. Originally I was planning on writing something more innocent for the ending…I don't know what happened.**

**This is one of the weirder fanfics I come up with…Or maybe it's just because I've been eating too much Nutella. Please, enjoy!**

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"Yes!" cried Hermione happily, catching the package in her hands. She hugged the owl out of ecstasy—

"Stop abusing defenseless animals, Granger." Malfoy crawled out from the portrait hole entrance.

Hermione glared at the annoying Head Boy she had the misfortune to share a Common Room with. "Mind your own business." She released the fluffy owl and it flew away, out the window, relieved. _Why did the scary human trap me like that?_ The owl thought. _Did I deliver the package wrong?_

Hermione ripped the package open, excited. It was from her parents, as she had been expecting. She raised a fist in triumph, Freddie Mercury style, while holding a brightly colored box from the package in her other hand. Finally! Her long-anticipated rations!

"What'd you get?" Malfoy plopped down on the red couch next to her. It was the only couch in the Common Room, so they were forced to share. But it was a long couch, and they sat as far away from each other as possible. The other chairs were either small, hard and wooden, uncomfortable, or all three.

"How many times must I remind you to mind your own business?" Hermione said, but with much less venom than before, as the delight that came with the realization that the _package was finally here_ was dawning on her more and more. She opened the box, and pulled out a pack of what seemed to be rainbow colored…worms.

Malfoy curiously edged closer to see. "What are those?"

Hermione would have pushed him away and accuse him of invading her personal space, but she was too euphoric to do anything unpleasant. She merely ignored him.

"Gummi Worms," he read the label.

"Very good, you can read," she praised him mockingly. She proceeded to open a pack.

"Muggles eat worms? Those are worms?" He seemed to be hellbent in annoying her today.

"These are my _rations_," Hermione said dramatically. "And they have to last me until February." She started eating some of the tangy, sour, gummy candy.

"You're eating worms."

"Suuure."

"Why would Muggles eat worms?"

"Why would Wizards eat cockroach clusters like those in Honeydukes?" She retorted icily. She was getting irritated.

"How do you make worms into gum?" He persisted.

"They're not real worms!" She snapped, then continued eating. Over the summer she had gotten addicted to Gummi Worms. She found that it helped with her stress. Her parents have tried to stop her from rotting her mouth with too much of the candy, they had freaked out over it (to a much greater extent than normal parents would, because they are dentists) but in the end they had agreed not to ban her from eating it, but regulating her intake instead. They send her a small box of the worms every two months, and Hermione just had to be responsible in making them last. "They're just gummy candy shaped like worms."

"So Muggles call them worms…even if they're not worms?" Malfoy said, unimpressed.

"Why do you care so much?" Hermione wondered out loud.

He was not done. "Why would you eat worms when they're not really worms?" He went on. "It's like you're buying something, let's say…you want to buy a quill. You buy a box that says the product inside was a quill. But when you open it, there's a baby otter inside—"

"I don't eat these because I thought they were real worms!"

"Then why do you?"

"Because they taste good," she rolled her eyes. She offered him a worm. "And even though I need to save this up, here. Go on, take one." She wiggled the worm at him. "Hopefully it might shut you up too."

He raised an eyebrow. "I'm not eating anything _Muggle_-made," he said and attempted to sound repulsed (but he was actually quite curious as to how it would taste).

"You're being a weenie." Hermione said. "They're not _real_ worms."

"A _weenie?"_ He repeated, indignant.

"Yes, you're a weenie. Go and take it," she insisted. "Take it to prove you're not a weenie albino ferret."

Malfoy scoffed.

"Your loss…"

He was reluctant.

"Last chance! Three…" She counted down, slowly putting the worm back in the pack. "Two...I rarely share any of these, you know…One—"

He took the worm. "Fine."

He observed the Gummi Worm. It was sort of rubbery and strange. He stared at it for a while. He looked at it from different angles trying to determine if it really wasn't a worm. He flopped it around to test its weird elasticity. He—

"Oh, for goodness sake, will you just _eat it_ already?"

He hesitated. He—

She took the worm from his hand and shoved it into his mouth forcefully.

He glared at her.

"Well, chew!" Hermione commanded impatiently.

Malfoy rolled his eyes but obliged.

A moment of silence passed as Hermione watched him eat, scrutinizing…

"So?" she asked expectantly. "How was it?"

_Like a delightful explosion of wonder with the perfect blend of sour and a little sweetness in flawless harmony with the chewy gummy-wait, I'm not saying that, _thought Malfoy. "It's okay," he shrugged. It was the understatement of the century. The _century_.

"Oh," said a disappointed, downcast and despondent Hermione.

"Can I have another one?" he asked, a bit sheepish.

Hermione looked back up at him sharply, and raised an eyebrow.

Silence again.

"So…can I?"

She cocked her head slightly to one side.

"…Granger, is something wrong with you?"

A big grin slowly lit up Hermione's face. "You like Gummi Worms, don't you, Malfoy?" She asked smugly.

"No!" He denied, a little too quickly.

Her grin did not cease. "You _do_."

Malfoy pondered for a moment. What was he to do? Keep denying? Forget he ever associated with the sensational confectionery that was the Muggle Gummi Worm… and live a painful life filled with regret? Admit that he loved it? Or should he just go jump out the window? He considered these options for a while.

Making up his mind after 7 milliseconds of deep thinking, he snatched the pack of Gummi Worms out of Hermione's grasp.

"NO!" Hermione screamed murderously, and seized her dearest treats back. He tackled her and pinned her down on the couch. He tried to grab the pack but she fought back. Soon it had turned into an intense and strange-looking grappling session with the possession of candy as their prize. They rolled off the couch and continued fighting on the floor.

"Let go!"

"You're in no position to tell me to let go!"

"How dare you attempt to touch my—"

"I love it, okay? It's your fault you offered in the first place—"

"It was to shut you up! You kept ranting—"

"I LOVE IT! NOO!"

"THIS IS MINE!"

"I WANT IT!"

"WAIT, THAT HURTS! LET ME GO—"

"I WILL IF YOU GIVE IT TO ME!"

"NEVER! I'D RATHER SHAG NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM!"

"YOU CAN SHAG HIM AFTER WE FINISH WITH THIS—"

"WAIT! DON'T OPEN ANOTHER—"

"OH MERLIN, THAT TASTES SO GOOD—"

"HEY! NO!"

Their loud voices had already attracted quite a crowd outside. Around fifteen or so people were pressing their ears against the portrait covering the entrance hole, trying to listen in. About twenty other people who failed to fight a spot to eavesdrop against the portrait were telling people who were passing by about what they were hearing, and some were trying to deduce what was going on inside.

They all concluded that something very, very disturbing was happening inside.

Ginny Weasley passed by.

"Ginny!" they called. "Come listen, Hermione and Malfoy are having a fierce shag session on the floor inside!"

"Yeah, they're all grunting and moaning and saying disturbing things!" Another added gleefully.

Ginny gaped, and then composed herself. "Move it!" She fought her way to the portrait hole. There was no way her best friend and _Draco Malfoy_ were doing _anything_ inappropriate! She knew the password to the Common Room (she frequently visits Hermione), and wanted to prove to everyone that _nothing_ was going on—

And at that moment, Professor McGonagall passed by. "_What_ is going on here?"

"Oh, hello, Professor!" One said with mirth. "We've been hearing the Head Boy and Girl doing the most _disturbing_ things!"

And with that, Ginny Weasley led all of them, including the Professor, inside the Common Room. They all crawled in. And everyone stared.

They were covered in brightly colored gummy candy. Malfoy was on top of Hermione. A Slytherin necktie and a Gryffindor necktie were strewn on the floor, Hermione's skirt was hiked up so high her underwear was visible, her blouse was half-open, Malfoy's shirt was completely open, both accidentally unbuttoned. In general, their clothes were all crumpled and slightly ripped and open in some way, their hair complete messes, their faces flushed.

It dawned on them that they had onlookers; they simultaneously and slowly turned to face them.

"This isn't what it looks like."


End file.
